Chemo Starts Tomorrow. And I'm Looking Forward To It.

I'm not crazy. But after suffering for a year, I finally have faith in something again. You'll always have something on your side in life. Always. Sometimes it takes a bit of time and help to find that...
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Last year was hell.

Not only was I going through 2^nd year, the hardest year of med school, I developed a lung condition that will only deteriorate in time.My skin grew darker, my muscles wasted away and my cramps got worse and worse.

The last of those, the cramps, was what was really killing me.

Not just physically, when they came on, but mentally too.

The thing is, no-one really knows what�s causing my cramps. It seems to happen a lot more than doctors suspect in patients with my disease (Graft Versus Host Disease, where my donor�s blood stem cells creates white cells that don�t recognise, and hence attack me)� but as my doctor at the time bleakly put it, �because cramps are such a non-specific, subjective symptom, and because there are so many things that can cause it, it will never be studied. No cure will ever be found.�

And I believed that. I thought I�d be doomed to suffer silently as my mind screamed out at my body and the torment my wrecked self was giving me. The cramps never let up. And they only got worse over time� It started with them happening every other day at night, then it started coming on some mornings, and soon after, I�d be left cramping, unable to move from my chair in fear of an attack, Every. Single. Evening. They started off 2 years ago only in my calves and abs, and now, every muscle is affected. Even my jaw. I often find myself stopping a conversation because my mouth was gaping and spasming of its own accord...

Last week marked 3 weeks of constant cramping. Ones that would start in the morning (indeed, I�d often be woken up with a cramp), ones that left my muscles aching with every tiny action, sometimes on their own, ones that would never let up. Bringing my arm up to brush would make my biceps burn... typing anything would make my hands curl up like a spider, even going to the bathroom became a dreadful task.

The pain had trapped me. Consumed me in all ways. I was constantly in fear of it coming on. I�d become despondent when thinking about my future. I�d thought, �Why bother living at all� so many times� I�d come to believe my own doctor�s words, that I would suffer this forever.

And I hated that... I hated me. 

A glimpse of me trying to move with the cramps. 

It�s not like I wasn�t fighting� The last few months in particular, I tried everything. I suggested treatment after treatment to my doctor, but every time, I was turned back. I tried to be positive, told myself to live in the now and not worry about the cramps, to just relax and watch a movie when they did come on� But when they did, I�d curl up and cry, literally and figuratively, and those dark thoughts would come racing back.

But now, I'm sick of it all.

So last week I decided to take a dose of my own medicine, and I did what I did when I was diagnosed with this.

I took a step back.

I questioned all my doubts and fears.

And I looked for a way out of this hell. A way that would leave me happy and healthy.

I�d tried to do it before, and I�d kept telling myself that all this would subside in time, and to live in the moment �tl then�

But that wasn�t sustainable. I didn�t have something I had last time... I didn�t have hope, belief, or a purpose.

I now know that if I�d talked to someone before, I�d probably have come to this conclusion much sooner, and made this journey to a better way much easier. A lesson for everyone I guess - you don�t have to do everything on your own.

So what�s the actual change? And how did I get there?

I decided to do what I did when I relapsed, and was told Ihad a less than 10% chance of surviving.

I looked up anything and everything I could in the literature about my cramps.

I searched and I searched. I stayed up til 5 in the morning days in a row. I was possessed with a fervour I�d lost. A want for something that I hadn�t had in a while. Getting better.

I ended up learning a lot about muscles and nerves and the fuel that they need to work. Things that can go wrong in cramps. And I found many treatments for them. And just as importantly, I found a doctor that was willing to help. A guy who encouraged using our arsenal of weapons against disease. A guy who looked at me as a whole, who wanted to hear about and treat even niggling concerns in my life.

Here�s a document I made with all of that if you�re goingthrough the same thing. It's a bit technical, make sure you ask your doctor about things - but I'm happy to talk about them too. 

And tomorrow, I start a therapy that may well cure my cramps. I�m a bit scared; it�s a chemo drug that has all the side effects you�d expect chemo to have. But this is something that has proof behind it � this is something whose workings and mechanisms I get, and can get my mind to believe in. And I finally believe I�m gonna get better again. If not with this drug � then the next, or the one after.

I guess you need that in life. Losing it made me realise just how empty it can get without it. And I also know now that no matter what, you can always give yourself that meaning or purpose.

It may take a while to get it sometimes, but if you�re struggling, know that you can still get there. Sometimes a little help is necessary. If someone around me had asked � �what happened to the old you?� I would have written this post months ago.

But know this, whoever�s reading - you�ll always have that someone in me.

Wish me well, cause I don�t need luck - Nikhil

Categories: attitude chemo starts tomorrow cramps Getting hope back GVHD Hope imatinib why Im looking forward to it

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A Lesson I've Learnt From Cancer And How It Can Help You.

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"Nikhil, the good news is, you're 17 and you have leukemia, but the bad news is, you're 17 and you have leukemia.. ."

After being told I had this deadly form of cancer - I asked that one question all patients dread...

"What are my chances?"

A man I'd met less than 12 hours pulled off his classes and sighed. 

"10 - 20% you'd live beyond 5 years..."

I cried. For ages. For ages. Everyone was telling me not to - that I had a chance, that I could do it. 

But how did they know what I was going through??

I kept asking myself - why me? What had I done to deserve all this? I hadn't wronged anyone.I was healthy and fit. I trained hard. I was doing well at school too...

I was only 17 for god sakes! Wasn't cancer for old people? Or those who smoked or were exposed to some form of radiation for too long???

I wouldn't listen to anyone's words. I was stuck in a dark hole - depressed. I spent days clinging to the same pillow in the same clothes, sheets and blankets - crying.

But you can't cry forever... 
After a few days... I began to hate that feeling. That utterly bleak, black hole I'd dug myself into. The wet pillows form all the crying.

The idea that I was worthless now - a dead body just waiting to be burned and removed from the world.

I took a step back from all of that. I stopped asking those unanswerable questions. And I looked at what had happened to me as if I was someone else.

All those gloomy emotions pushed aside, I realised that I had the cancer now. And that no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't go back and change it.

And I realised that, in the end, it was me - MY brain, MY mind that was making me feel down! 

And I realised that I HAD A CHOICE.

I could either stay feeling that way - depressed in that hole or I could look at my new situation in another way. 

I had what I had now, I couldn't change it. 

So the best thing I could do for myself from that point onwards would be to be happy and positive no matter how bad it seemed. 
I could do my best to stay healthy, by working hard between chemotherapies to stay fit and eat up, so I wouldn't waste away from all the treatment. 

I realised that by doing this I could get my mind and my body on my side. And yes - your mind is a powerful thing. It's why things like the placebo effect - where people take sugar pills in medical trials but still feel better because they think they're being given the curitive medicine - exist! And by being healthy, eating up and staying fit - I'd be able to withstand the effects of chemotherapy and be less likely to get any infections during that time.

I read a book given to me by my mother by a doctor who had also been diagnosed with a cancer. He spent a few nights like I had - down and depressed. But after a while - he had a look around at the others in his room and in his ward and asked himself one question - WHY?

Why were they all acting like they were goners when there was a decent chance they could still survive? Why were they being sad about something they couldn't control? Sure, some of them were in pain at the time, but for the others - weren't they just harming themselves when they could be, if not happy, at least content with their lives and their struggles?

And he looked at himself for a moment and realised that he was doing the same.

AND HE ASKED HIMSELF - WHY SHOULD I THINK LIKE THEM?

By simply asking "why" every time he had his doubts - he realised that there was another way of looking at all of this. He resolved to look at his treatment as the CURE for cancer. After all, theoretically, chemotherapy works by killing fast growing cells - and cancer is by definition an abnormal cell that grows uncontrollably fast. By doing this, he put his mind on his side. And he is still alive today to tell that story.

 I looked at his example and decided to try to do the same thing. I took a step back, analysed my situation, and asked myself why I saw my youth as a curse in that I'd gotten something so early in life, when in truth it could actually be a blessing. It meant I could get the hardest, most effective treatments possible and recover from them fitness wise too. It meant I didn't have a family or have other concerns like a job and finances to take care of - in fact I was lucky because my family was on my side the whole journey and would be only too willing to be at my side the whole way through my treatment. And I realised that by being young, I would be able to get back to being normal in maybe 3 or 4 years where others would be afflicted with side complications and other things their whole lives. 

So maybe the bad news was that I was 17 and I had cancer. But the good news was I was SEVENTEEN and I had cancer!

And you know what - for you in your problems - that idea that powers you along - for me it was my youth - what my y can be something like your family - your spiritual beliefs - your gritty, stubborn attitude, your doctors, nurses, teachers or the resources you have on your side - there will ALWAYS be something on your side - and chances are you will have LOTS of things on your side in your battles.

Seeing it things in another light is a big reason why I'm still here talking to you today. You could dismiss it as me just being courageous or something born out of necessity because I was put into such a hard situation.

What I want you to do is ask yourself why?

Why should you have to get cancer or face your own mortality to benefit from what I've learnt the hard way?? In truth - what I did was 4 simple things that ANYONE CAN DO.

1) I took a step back and analysed myself without my emotions in the way. You guys are probably doing this all the time already - for example when you look back at your day and look back at how you handled certain situations!

 2) I looked at my doubts and broke them down by repeatedly asking WHY?

 (3) I realised there is ALWAYS A SECOND, MORE POSITIVE WAY TO LOOK AT THINGS.

(4) I acknowledged that my journey would be hard - that I'd go through pain and that there'd be obstacles on the way. But I remembered all the things on my side and I knew that though it may take a while, I would get better.

And here I am - 2 years, 7 rounds of chemotherapy, a fatal dose of radiation and 2 bone marrow transplants standing here telling you these things today!

You guys can do the same - for any and all of your problems, your doubts, your insecurities and you can motivate yourself to be better, healthier, happier human beings.

Don't wait until you face a life threatening disease to change. Do so now and you can lead a happier, healthier, more motivated life.

If you want to read more about how I changed my attitude and how you can achieve your goals with the 4 things I learned- click here to read MY STORY

If you want to see how exactly I changed my attitude and mindset and how you can do it too - click here to read CHANGING YOURSELF.

https://www.facebook.com/musingsofamedstudentpatient <-- If you or a loved one needs help or if you enjoy my blogs or if you're interested in medicine, like my page on facebook =]

Categories: A Lesson Cancer Has Taught Me Hope Inspirational Motivation

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